Tales From The Six Sentence Café & Bistro
Warning: Post contains strong language and My Little Pony toys.
Editor’s note: Greetings Atomic Mates! After Chris’s Book Launch Party last week, we at the Six Sentence Café & Bistro were left with severe hangovers of a head-thumping decibel-level akin to a Manowar concert in the 1980s… not least your humble scribe, me, Ford, at The Atomic Mage, who while cycling to work the next day in my bleary daze (still wearing the same leather jacket and shades from the night previous) accidently steered onto a cycle path which led me and my intrepid vintage Cannondale M500 mountain bike onto a route which can only be described as a ‘parallel universe of proprietors’. Sacré bleu! Mince! Oh la vache! Punaise et mercredi! Nique ta mère, fils de pute, et encore other French utterances high an’ lo!
I first noticed something was amiss when I saw a huge environmentally un-friendly bullet-proof black SUV pull alongside me on the main road, driven by some goon hired by none other than tax-payer-frightening, expletive-mouthed, American-badboy-but-with-a-heart-of-gold Lou Ceasare… who was sitting up back of the SUV and winding down his window ready to both insult and proposition me in equal measure.
Actually, I’d already determined Lou’s presence long before I saw his cigar-smoking baby face leering at me from the SUV window, due to the whiff of his cheap bootleg fragrance. Hey Lou, sorry, but if it ain’t French you’re gonna cause a stench (not that I’d tell him that to his face). Next thing I know, Lou is hurling a rolled-up manuscript from the SUV window at me, almost causing me to crash my bike into a nearby parallel universe American-French boulangerie, which sold candy-flavored croissants and peanut butter pain au chocolat and bubblegum hotdog baguettes (man, parallel universes sure can play havoc with gallic tastebuds). Luckily, I’m a shit-hot cyclist (even in a parallel universe) and I managed to keep two wheels on the ground and both boots on the pedals. Fuck you, Lou, you manuscript-hurling cyclist botherer! (not that I said that to his face).
Man, I just knew I was in a parallel universe for real the moment Lou began insulting me racially and dress-sensically* (*not a real word) while in a foreign-to-him country backseat in a SUV so large it would put your average French driver cruising to the local supermarket or tabac to shame.
“Hey! Ya fkn skinny limey English Brit French Frog poseur!” growled Lou from his window. “What’s with them duds you’re wearin’… ya look like some kind of failed actor drummer who can’t afford a cab ride to his next audition. You’re Ford, huh? You also go by the name of The Atomic Paige?”
“It’s The Atomic Mage,” I corrected him.
“Paige, Mage, Beige… whatever,” Lou sneered. “I hear you’re some kind of a writer, huh? Belong to some two-bit poseur Six Sentence café and bistro run by seven pro-wrestlers?”
“Pro-prietors,” I corrected him.
“Whatever,” said Lou. “That manuscript I just pitched at you, literally, I say, contains some words I wrote last night in a literary moment of parallel universe inspiration. Goddammit. Don’t know what came over me. I ain’t no writer. But suffice to say, I want you and your GDMFSOB people at your GDMFSOB bistro to publish those words of mine at your next Six Sentence meeting or whatever it is you clowns get up to over there. Ya hear me, Mister fkn Bean on a bicycle? Monsieur fkn Voltaire on a vélo? You tell your friends to print every last word of my epic story, otherwise it’ll be horse-heads-in-beds for the lot of ya, ya fkn deadbeat loonies ya!”
Horse-heads-in-beds, I thought. What, was Lou proposing to buy the seven proprietors each a My Little Pony plushie to compliment our unicorn duvets and pajama sets? The silly, soft, equine-loving bastard (not that I said that to his face).
“Righty-ho, Lou, me old china gov’ner, mon ami, mon pote,” I said, parking up my bike to pick up his manuscript and secrete it safely into the largest pocket of my leather jacket. “I’ll make sure your epic story is published at the very next Six Sentence Story blog hop… or I’m not a Frenchman, or a Brit, or a Brummie.”
“Brummie, huh?” said Lou, as he began winding up the window of his SUV. “If you want my advice, you should watch the hit TV show Peaky Blinders to learn about being a good gangster from Birmingham, and stop wasting your time cycling around the French countryside like some shmuck in a parallel universe.”
“Merci bien! Will do,” I said. “Though I’m already very familiar with the show you mention, you big daft yampy prat.” (not that I said that last part to his face).
At that, Lou growled something at his driver to move along, and in seconds Lou’s SUV was a mere dot, an ink-splash, a departing crow on the horizon. I patted the pocket of my leather jacket: Lou’s manuscript was safe for now. As soon as I finished work I’d contact my fellow proprietors and tell them of the news: Lou Ceasare has written a Six… and he wants us to debut it at the Six Sentence Café & Bistro. What a twat (not that I’d tell him that to his face).
The Omelette To Cure The Mother Of All Hangovers
(a Six Sentence Story bootleg. Written by Lou Ceasare)
For context, see previously: The Six That Should Not Be
Clark was right all along… it wasn’t the kid – that “Sophomore” punk – who stole the takings of the seven proprietors… no, sir… turns out it was the cook!
The cook… who as the story unfolded was found to be struggling to pay her medical bills, along with some credit card debts she’d incurred and her rent which had recently gone up; hell, she had every reason to steal money… but not from the mouth that was already feeding her.
Nevertheless, after a meeting of the seven proprietors, it was agreed the cook could keep her job on proviso she paid back in increments what she’d stolen – see, everyone (mostly) deserves a second chance.
So, the cook turns up for work early one morning at the Six Sentence Café & Bistro, following the celebration of Chris’s book launch the night previous, and she finds the seven proprietors in a somewhat worse-for-wear state, and as a gesture of goodwill she offers to rustle up a restorative breakfast for the seven: her special recipe – an omelette to cure the mother of all hangovers… “You see,” she tells them, “all cooks at heart are artists, and this is my canvas…” and she shows them a cast iron skillet which she tells them has been in her family for three generations.
“And this is my palette,” she tells them next, procuring from the kitchen larder generous ingredients of eggs, bananas, coconut milk and honey, then from the supply room bottles of rum, vodka, brandy, pale ale and champagne.
Later that morning, the seven proprietors would each attest that their hangovers had been thoroughly cured, thanks to the cook’s special (and most potent) omelette, and they agreed, too, that they had probably ingested just as much alcohol that morning as they had done so the night before… it wasn’t so much a hair of the dog, they concluded, as the whole damn pelt.
Conclusion: Turns out Lou Ceasare isn’t such a bad writer after all, the loud-mouthed big ugly fkr that he is (not that I’d say that last part to his face).
And finally, below, some cool ‘parallel universe seven proprietors’ blog links for you:
Snails From Glasgow – a parallel universe blog by Jenne, detailing her rainy-weather nature walks around Glasgow to chart the musical diversity of snails by attaching mini-microphones to their shells and recording their ‘sound’ movements. An album collection of these sounds accompanied by the BBC Scottish Symphony Orchestra is expected later in the year!
Tidy Mimi – a parallel universe blog by Mimi, who travels the US in a VW camper van in search of lawns and back yards to tidy up, as well as garden fences to repaint and repair. Mimi teaches us how to ‘talk’ to trees and shrubs, and shows us how we can recycle our trash into fun and useful objects like X-ray glasses, itching powder, plastic spiders, exploding cigars, CB radios and UFO detector kits!
The Woke-field Doctrine – a parallel universe blog by Clark, where Ian Devereaux becomes a transvestite; Brother Abbot becomes Mister Sister; and Lou Ceasare identifies as a non-binary Jedi Knight when he learns that his father is Darth Baby Face Nelson during a battle on the Bottom of the Sea Deathstar. Ceasare later goes on to bribe Disney into remaking The Empire Strikes Back, starring Will Smith as Princess Leia; Helen Mirren as Ben Obi Wan Kenobi; Whoopi Goldberg as The Emperor; and Robert Pattinson as C3-PO.
The Atomic Cage of Rage – a parallel universe blog by Ford, where the author laments, bemoans, rages and rants at his failure to become a successful mixed-media artist, musician, poet, novelist and actor, while challenging his industry-celebrated peers to a cage fight involving board games and conker tournaments.
InSPIRAtional Clay Fitness – a parallel universe blog by Nick, where early-morning readers are invited to join the author in creating sculptures while practicing Yoga techniques and warm-up exercises for field and track events. Free jogging pants and cigar for every yearly subscriber!
Luna’s on Wine – a parallel universe blog by Chris, who celebrates the joys of wine by mapping wine ‘hotspots’ around the world (notably in France, and her own kitchen). Learn how to wear the latest wine-inspired fashion, how wine can improve your cooking, how wine can help in the latest AI learning research programmes, and how wine may one day help us to discover alien life on planets like Mars and Venus. Plus, top tips on how to brew your own wine in the bathtub while being in the bathtub at the same time while drinking wine!
Girlie on the Sledge – a parallel universe blog by Denise, who along with her team of loyal huskies takes the reader on an exciting sledge ride diary through remote ice and snow-covered parts of the world in search of prehistoric creatures just minutes away from reanimation as they stir in the melting permafrost. Be amazed as hungry mammoths come back to life, and bad-tempered saber-tooth tigers try to chase down Girlie’s sledge and her brave dogs! Be terrified as once-frozen alien lifeforms shapeshift and cause havoc at science stations and weather bases! Marvel at the sight of the Yeti building a My Little Pony snowman!
The Omelette To Cure The Mother Of All Hangovers written by
Ford Lou Ceasare. March 09. 2022.
Six Sentence Café & Bistro logo by Spira.
My Little Pony images from Speelboom Club Journal 3 and 5, 1986/7. Scanned by Ford.
‘Peaky Fkn Proprietors’ poster mashup by Spira.